Love and Aloneness - Unravelling the ego and pride

There is a most bizarre word the media and the psychologists have begun to use to describe loneliness in our societies: they say it has become an epidemic. An epidemic! A description normally reserved for extremely prevalent and widespread diseases – that is what this state of mind has become.

And the statistics back it up. A third of the citizens of many civilized countries admit to suffering from extreme loneliness. And the impact on our physical health - one study reported that isolated men were 25% more likely to die than those in a relationship, and the women 33% more likely.

Why is loneliness so painful? There are many reasons – but there is one in particular I’m starting to notice. Loneliness is a curse because we don’t know who we are - and that is our basic anxiety. When you are alone, all your self knowledge, your identity, your personality - your ego begins to unravel. The deeper into your aloneness you go, the more you see all your self-knowledge as they are – false.

And it is scary – what you have known your entire life - false! It is so scary that much of our culture is based around this fear. Social clubs, associations, political parties, and even cafés – they all exist for one thing: so one can avoid being alone. And what if we are by ourselves? Then we turn to music, alcohol, the television, the Internet – all to avoid being in our own company.

But the strange thing is – losing our false identity, it is a blessing. It can be scary, yes, but when we turn around and face it - when we turn our loneliness into aloneness –that is when we begin to experience what is real.

When you are alone, everything that you have disowned, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge – they begin to arise. We begin to truly know ourselves, to see the genuine. And that is not something that can be told - it has to be experienced.

Comparison – the unravelling of the self

The first thing we have to know is - when we are in a crowd, we think we know who we are. You are American, Vietnamese, Indian. Why? Because you look around and there are people who look different. Everyone calls you by your name, so that is who you are. Everyone acknowledges your title, your job description – they call you Mister, Missus, Madam, Doctor, Reverend, and that is what you think you are.

You are beautiful, because those around you are ugly. You are tall, because your neighbours are short. You are poor, because they live in mansions. You are rich, because some live in cardboard boxes.

But who you are, is not any of these. As Osho said - your heart is neither European nor African, tall nor short, poor nor rich. Who you are is beyond these little labels.

And when you are completely alone, there is no one to compare to. There is no false standard to measure yourself by – and that is when all these labels and false layers start to unravel. Your identity, your very personality, begins to disappear.

And all our lives, that is who we think we are. Our identity card, our driver’s license, and our passport. Our history, our descriptions, and our reputations. Our jobs and our accomplishments. And when that falls away…some people feel it a form of death. And in a way, it is.

What is left? The genuine. I can’t describe it - I haven’t gone there yet. But the deeper I have gone, the more I realise how beautiful it is. To go completely into aloneness, to find the real – I can’t think of anything I’d want more.

So, go and be alone. Not lonely, just alone. Accept and heal whatever bubbles to the front. Throw away all your masks and your false faces. Go away from society. Stop being afraid of loneliness, and just be alone. Let it become your mirror, the perfect mirror, to see who you really are.

And one day – when you feel ready, when you can say that you have known yourself, taken delight and found Love in yourself. That is when your butterfly comes out of the chrysalis. And this process is different for everyone. How long does it take? I’ve been alone for close to a year – and there is still so much to find!

The proud and the egotistical

And comparison leads us perfectly to a question that I have been pondering for a long time: What of those who are so proud and egotistical? What is the difference between being selfish, and of being self loving?

Love for oneself, for one’s totality – the heart, body, and soul - is perhaps the biggest accomplishment one can ever achieve. Someone who has such Love becomes joyful, peaceful, and content. It is impossible for one who knows Love to be hurtful. I know a few such people - they are the most humble women and men one can ever meet.

And just as someone who loves their garden will spend hours planting roses, picking out weeds, and smelling the fragrances – so, too will such people take pleasure in who they are.

And this is the source of much confusion. There are so many people who seem to be strong, confident, but there is something wrong. You must have met such people before – outwardly strong and powerful, but when they left, they left you feeling drained or weak. What is the difference between the two?

If you look carefully, and you know what to look for, the difference is there for you to see.

I once heard: There is no neutrality in life; there is either love or hate. There is no zero in which you are simply empty. What we think of as neutrality hides a quiet contempt, a let-them-burn attitude. If you don’t love, you hate. It might be a subtle hatred or a cool dislike, but it is hatred nonetheless.

Such people exude an indistinct anger and hatred. They make themselves feel better at the expense of those they come into contact with. They have boosted themselves by trampling on you. They spit on others – “I must be higher than they are if I can spit downwards” – that is their rationale. Everything they have – all their self worth and power - is based on judgement and comparison, based on having someone underneath them!

Vanity, egotism, and pride – they all hide a subtle unhappiness, a cleverly disguised animosity. All hatred is self-hatred – and this lies hidden underneath their actions. And that is why they belittle others. Some of the overt ones rage, or yell – and it is all just an externalisation of their internal self-violence. All their strength, their confidence – just a flimsy façade.

The vain and selfish

And the second thing: their worth is based on comparison. In fact, if taken to an extreme, pride becomes a form of personality disorder – narcissism. And this is the parable that Osho used to explain perfectly. All I can do is use the same story.

The story of Narcissus is a well known one – a young man who was so beautiful that he fell in love with his own reflection in the water. And there lies the difference. A humble man falls in love with himself; a vain man falls in love with his reflection.

And in that reflection – the comparison we’ve been discussing. The psychology manuals list the traits of the personality disorder concretely: A modern day Narcissus believes he is special, that he is more beautiful than others, that he deserves more. She is arrogant; she demands attention and constant admiration. She takes advantage of others, with total disregard for their feelings.

How egotistical! And that’s exactly what it is – pride stems from the ego. Comparison strengthens it. Take them away from the crowd, give them no one to compare to, and their pride and their façade falls apart. When they have no one to trample on and sneer at, the truth is revealed, the ugliness in them arises.

I remember a few beautiful women; they spent hours on their make-up and clothes, and they constantly belittled other women. They seemed to have unshakeable self confidence – but when I got to know them better, all their insecurities – often about their looks! - rose to the fore. And it didn’t make sense initially - many women would kill to look like them, most men couldn’t take their eyes off them. Such empty egoistic pride – it doesn’t stand up to the test of aloneness.

Love is totally different. I have heard: In Love, there is no split, there is no other. The lover and the loved all melt into one. Narcissus – he was split. His object of affection wasn’t himself, it was his reflection.

Fake love rejects – when there is perceived imperfection, fake love kicks away. Real Love knows no comparison. When there is perceived imperfection, real love deepens. It holds even tighter.

Know Love – ego and pride, are the opposites of Love. Cultivate Love, and watch as they dissolve.

Love and Aloneness - Unravelling the ego and pride

心靈可以是玻璃，也可以是水晶。當(dāng)一顆心，不斷超越自我時，心靈世界也將不再會如玻璃般易碎，而會如水晶般明澈、堅韌。

外表美麗，不愿與人交往，也會寂寞；頭腦聰明，不善控制情緒，也很危險；思維縝密，不能了解自己，也會迷惘。

記得有人說過，當(dāng)你開始懷念童年的時候，就代表你長大了。我現(xiàn)在就在懷念童年了，懷念童年完全不為什么

“我喜歡你”這句話就像一句咒語，每每讓我落荒而逃。

媒體和心理學(xué)家現(xiàn)在開始用一個很怪的詞來形容我們這個社會中的寂寞感：他們說寂寞已經(jīng)成為了一種流行病。流行??！這個字眼通常都用于稱呼廣泛傳播的疾病的。然而，這正是現(xiàn)實。

統(tǒng)計學(xué)也證明了這一點，在許多文明國家三分之一的居民承認(rèn)自己正承受著極度的寂寞。寂寞也危害到了我們的健康——一項研究表明，孤僻的男性與那些與人來往的男性相比，早逝的概率高出25%，對于女性，這個比率是33%。

問什么寂寞如此痛苦？原因有很多，但有一點我開始特別注意。寂寞更像是一種詛咒，因為我們不知道自己是誰——而這正是我們最根本的焦慮。當(dāng)你獨自一人的時候，你所有的自我了解，所有的自我認(rèn)同，你所有的個性，你的自尊都將灰飛煙滅。你在寂寞里陷得越深，你就越覺得自己的自我認(rèn)識完全是錯誤的。

更可怕的是，你甚至覺得對自己整個人生的了解也完全是錯誤的！寂寞是如此可怕，所以我們的文化基于此類的恐懼。社交俱樂部、聯(lián)誼會、政黨、甚至咖啡廳，這些東西的存在都只為了一件事：讓我們可以避免孤身一人。如果真獨自一人，我們該怎么辦呢？這個時候我們求助于音樂、酒精、電視、網(wǎng)絡(luò)——所有的一切都是為了避免讓自己形影孤伶。

但奇怪的是，丟掉我們偽裝之后，這也可以是一種祝福。它的確可怕，但如果我們轉(zhuǎn)過頭來面對它，我們就可以將寂寞升華為孤獨，這個時候，我們就能體驗到事物真實的一面。

當(dāng)你孤身一人，所有的事物都被否定，所有你拒絕接受或面對的事情都浮現(xiàn)在眼前。(此時)我們開始真正了解自己，看清真相。這一點只可意會，不可言傳。

對比——自我認(rèn)識

我們需要知道的第一點是：當(dāng)我們在人群中時，我們以為自己知道自己是誰。你是美國人，越南人，印度人。為什么呢？你環(huán)顧四周，到處都是相貌不同的人，每一個人都用你的名字稱呼你。所以，這就是你。人們通過你的頭銜，你的工作來認(rèn)識你——他們稱你為先生、夫人、女士、醫(yī)生、牧師。而這就是你的自我認(rèn)識。

你很美，這是因為你周圍的人都丑陋；你很高，這是因為你的鄰居們都矮??；你貧窮，這是因為你的鄰居們住的是大廈高樓；你富有，這是因為有人住在硬紙皮的箱子里。

但你究竟是誰，這與以上這些無關(guān)。如奧修所說：你的本質(zhì)既不是歐洲人也不是非洲人，既不高也不矮，既不窮也不富。你的本質(zhì)與這些小標(biāo)簽無關(guān)。

因此，當(dāng)你完全獨自一人時，就不再有東西可以對比。也沒有虛假的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)可以衡量你自身。也就在此時，所有的標(biāo)簽，所有虛假的外在都開始被剝離。。你的身份、你的個性、開始消失。

在我們的一生中，我們認(rèn)為這就是我們自己：我們的身份證、我們的駕駛證、我們的護(hù)照、我們的歷史、我們的簡介、我們的名聲、我們的工作和成就.....當(dāng)這一切都消逝而去，一些人會覺得這和死亡無異。從某個角度上說，的確如此。

那么什么留下了呢？本質(zhì)。我不知道如何描述這一點——我自己也沒有到達(dá)這一步。但是我越深入感受，我越意識到它的美妙。徹底沉浸入孤獨，就能體驗到真實，這正是我最期望的。

所以，孤身前行吧，讓孤獨，而不是寂寞相隨。丟棄你所有的偽裝和假面。（讓自己的心）遠(yuǎn)離塵囂。體會孤獨，不再害怕寂寞。讓孤獨成為自己的鏡子，一面完美的鏡子，讓你認(rèn)清真實的自己。

終有一天，你將肯定地說你了解了自己，在自我中獲得愉悅和愛。那時你將化蛹為蝶。這個過程因人而異。得花多少時間？我將近花了一年，但還有如此之多的自我有待發(fā)覺。

傲慢與自負(fù)

以上（討論）的對比很好地引入了一個我一直在思考的問題：對于那些如此自我如此自傲的人，情況又是如何呢？自私和自愛的區(qū)別又是什么呢？

自愛，就是要愛自己的全部——內(nèi)心、身體、靈魂，這可能是一個人能達(dá)到的最高境界。一個真正自愛的人是快樂、平和、滿足的。懂得自愛的人很難（在感情上）被傷害。我認(rèn)識一些這樣的人，他們是你所見過的最謙和的男人和女人。

就像一個愛自己花園的人會花上個把小時種植玫瑰，清除野草、享受花香一樣，這些人也會從自我中獲得愉悅。

有一點讓人很迷惑，有很多人看似強(qiáng)大自信，但在他們身上總有地方不對勁。你一定也見過這樣的人——從外表上來看堅強(qiáng)而有力，但當(dāng)他們離開后，給你的印象卻是疲憊而虛弱。這前后的矛盾究竟在哪？

如果你仔細(xì)觀察，且你知道應(yīng)該探尋什么，你就會找到問題的答案。

我曾經(jīng)聽說：生活之中并沒有中立的態(tài)度，（人的感情）非愛既恨。我們所謂的中立態(tài)度其實暗含了一種隱秘的蔑視，一種“l(fā)et-them-burn ”的態(tài)度。如果你不喜愛，那么你一定是憎惡。這種態(tài)度可能是一種隱約的厭惡或者是一絲淡淡的不悅，但無論如何，這是一種憎惡。

這樣的人渾身散發(fā)著間接的憤怒和憎惡。他們通過損害與他們接觸的人讓自己感覺良好。他們通過踐踏他人來振奮自我。他們貶低他人——“如果我能作賤別人，我自然就高人一等”——而這就是他們的人生準(zhǔn)則。他們的所有，他們的自我價值和力量都基與判斷和攀比，都基與那些不如他們的人！

虛榮、自負(fù)、驕傲，這些都暗含著一種微妙的不快，一種巧妙偽裝的敵意。所有的憎惡都是來自于自我的憎恨，而這些都隱藏在他們的一舉一動之中。這就是為什么他們看不起別人。發(fā)火或者咆哮，這些行為都僅僅是他們內(nèi)在的自我暴力的外化。他們所有的力量和信心，僅僅只是一層薄薄的外殼。

空虛和自私

第二點：他們的價值是基于攀比。實際上，如果把這一點推到極致，驕傲就是一種人性的失調(diào)——自我陶醉。

那西塞斯的故事人盡皆知——一個俊美的少年愛上了自己的水中倒影。（現(xiàn)實中）不同的地方在于，一個謙虛的人愛上的是他自己，而一個虛榮的人愛上的卻是自己的倒影。

而這個倒影之中——我們之前已經(jīng)討論過攀比這個因素。心理學(xué)手冊詳細(xì)地羅列出了人格扭曲的各種特征：現(xiàn)代的那西塞斯認(rèn)為自己是特別的，他比別人更美，他應(yīng)該得到更多。她開始傲慢，她需要得到矚目和持續(xù)的贊譽(yù)。她開始利用他人而不再在乎別人的感受。

這是多么得自我中心?。◎湴猎醋宰载?fù)。而攀比則強(qiáng)化了這種情緒。如果把他們帶離人群，讓他們無人可比，那么他們的驕傲就會被摔得粉碎。當(dāng)他們無人可以踩踏和嘲笑的時候，真相就顯而易見了，他們內(nèi)在的丑陋就會暴露。

我想起了一些美貌的女人。她們每天花上好幾個小時在自己的化妝和衣服上，而且她們也不停地輕視別的女人。她們看起來似乎有不可動搖的信心，但當(dāng)我更多地了解她們之后發(fā)現(xiàn)，在她們所有的不安中，外貌竟然排在第一位！這初看起來毫無意義——很多女人寧死也要自己長得像她們，大部分男人壓根就沒法把自己的目光從她們身上挪開。這種自我中心的驕傲是如此的空虛，壓根就經(jīng)不起孤獨的考驗。

自愛則不同，我曾經(jīng)聽說過：自愛不會有，也不會有別的東西。愛人者和被愛者是融為一體的。那西塞斯把自己開了。他的迷上的并不是他自己，而是他的倒影。

當(dāng)察覺到瑕疵時，虛假的自愛會抗拒，會想方設(shè)法擺脫。而真正的自愛的人不會去攀比，當(dāng)他們察覺到不完美的地方時，他們會愛得更深，更緊。

懂得自愛，應(yīng)該明白自負(fù)和驕傲都是自愛的對立面。學(xué)會愛自己，當(dāng)自負(fù)和驕傲消逝的時候，你就能看到了。

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